The 3 Important Things Being Abused Can Teach You About Sex
The first time I remember being sexually abused was shortly after my dad passed away. I was ten years old, lasting well into my teens. We had just moved to another area. Across the street from us were two men my father’s age, one of which my mom fell in love with. The other, my abuser. Matthew, my stepfather, is one of the most amazing men I have ever come to know as a human being. Mark, his brother, is still incarcerated for the abuse of a three and five-year-old girl. He being, my abuser.
1. Speak up!
Aside from the obvious, if you’re getting abused, tell someone. With sex, learn to speak up about your likes and dislikes. If you don’t like a certain way you’re being touched, or if it hurts in a particular position, say so. Don’t deteriorate your self-worth and needs just to satisfy somebody else. It’s not worth it. It doesn’t have to be something major, it could be as little as you don’t like your nipples being played with, but you’re afraid to say something because you know your partner enjoys it. But if you don’t enjoy it, why continue? Learning to set boundaries and understand the importance of sticking by those personal boundaries allows you to be more confident and create a more pleasurable sexual atmosphere.
Fear and sex aren’t close buddies unless you enjoy some kinky stuff, but generally, being afraid during sex isn’t enjoyable. When you’ve been abused, at least in my case, I am extremely capable of detecting a negative person by how they make me feel. You start to develop a sixth sense that allows you to notice the sexual energy of somebody. If you don’t feel comfortable, or if you feel like they don’t have your best interest at heart emotionally and sexually, walk away. Most people don’t have the luxury of being able to recognize pain or fear in people. So if you can, don’t ignore it.
Knowing the signs of sexual abuse can help save others from being abused. Feeling comfortable and talking about your views is rare among the abused. Still, we have the capabilities of warning others about what to look for and how to avoid being hurt potentially. We have the unique ability to not only notice signs that others may not, but we can sometimes, have an educational impact on those around us and further.
Sexual assault Is more common than should even be fathomable. Every day thousands of children, women and men, are sexually abused. Not many of us are capable of turning it into something positive or at least turning some of the ways we process it, positively. Unfortunately, many of us shut down, seek and remain in toxic relationships, and go about our lives without ever knowing how to grow as individuals with an abusive past.
Not only is it possible, with a lot of hard work and dedication, but it’s beneficial for our sexual relationships as well as the rest of our lives. I spent years afraid to even engage sexually because of trauma. But, once I recognized and approached what happened and dissected every aspect of my life revolving around my abuse, I was able to pick the little diamonds out of the soot, shine them, and put them on display so others know how I achieved them. Talking about your abuse, writing about your abuse, and understanding your abuse, are small steps into gaining access to those diamonds. And once you have those diamonds, you can compare them to all the shitty soot-covered rocks known as toxic individuals, and finally start to see what you are worth and find other diamonds to share an extraordinary sexual experience.